toeknee

A guide to exam success:

1.  Don’t go to more than three classes.  You’ll hate it, and it’s not like it actually helps.  Ignore the fact that there is an attendance grade.  You have bigger fish to fry.

2. Don’t open your textbook.  Ever.  You should buy it for appearances and because it will put you in the mindset of success.

3. Go out and have fun the night before.  Hang out with friends.  Drink a little.  Stay out later than you should, and perhaps have an emotional breakdown.  It will help to get your mind off the exam and relieve any anxiety you may have.

4. Once it has gotten late, start thinking about the upcoming exam.  You’ll probably feel extraordinarily unprepared.  This is exactly where you should be.

5.  Accept that you are probably going to fail.  You have to hit the lows before you’ll ever reach the highs.

6.  Plan on going to bed early, and give yourself enough time to study everything you will need to know for the test, since you don’t know anything now.  Think about how you will prepare.  Do you have a study guide? Use that. Are there power-points online? Use those.  Do you know how to use Google properly? Definitely use that.  Do you have your textbook? DO NOT FUCKING USE IT.  You will not have time to look at all that bullshit.

7. Completely throw those plans out the window and stay up until at least two, preferably three, in the morning.  Use this time to relax yourself.  Just remember what you will have to do in the morning when you wake up at 5:30 a.m.

8.  Wake up two hours after you planned.  That’s right.  Don’t you fucking get up at 5:30.  That’s WAY too early.  Your alarm should be going off at random intervals throughout this time so that you remain semi-aware that you still have to study.

9.  This is a crucial step.  Drink a 12-oz Red Bull.  Don’t like Red Bull? I don’t care.  Shit works.

10.  Work for two hours without stopping.  If you stop, you will fail.  Write down everything you can find that is applicable from power points and notes provided for you.  Professors assume their students are stupid, and will provide almost all the information you need for you.

11. Smoke a cigarette.  Don’t smoke? Start. This is your five minute victory celebration for all that fucking working you just did.

12. Brush your teeth.  Showering is unnecessary and only wastes your time.  But who can focus on a test with the taste of cigarettes an Red Bull on their breath?

13. Arrive at class just before it begins and frantically look over the notes you just prepared.  They should already be fresh in your mind, but this will make them fresher.

(13a. This step is optional.  Realize that you forgot some sort of important supply (blue book, scantron, writing utensil, etc.).  Go get that.  This experience will completely suck because you’re already in class and ready to go, but it will force you to focus on a different goal momentarily and all that information you went over will seep into your brain.)

14. Be the first person to finish.  Always remember, this is a race — not against others in the class, per se, but against your own ability to recall the copious amount of information you just stuffed into your brain.  Finishing quickly will ensure you remember everything.

15.  Leave class feeling completely reassured that you can do anything, because you’re a fucking boss.  Laugh at your previous acceptance of failure.  How fucking stupid were you? You can’t fail!

16. Repeat.

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